Thursday, March 16, 2006

Award: Because I Am Special

The day begins a little something like this:

I roll out of bed, bright and early at 6pm (I work graveyards now), and glare at my clock because somehow I have magically managed to awaken before the cursed alarm reminds me of why I hate innovation somedays. I realize I have woken up in a sweat and kicked all the blankets off, why you ask? My roommate likes it at 80 for some reason when I am trying to sleep!

So heat induced headache firmly entrenched, I trudge my way to the shower in the vain hopes it will provide some form of sanctuary. That was too much to ask. Somewhere along the way, the outer door has been opened by someone (I wonder who that can be... surely not the only other person in the apartment) and allowed the cat in. There was a brief moment of screaming when something fuzzy brushed my legs as I got out of the shower. Thank you cat...

Eventually I make it out the door after a few rounds of PVP on Warcraft. Go Alliance! Then it's off to 'breakfast,' of course what I want is not available, so I settle for something else. After avoiding an excessive amount of police on the road, I am happily zipping down the freeway in my new car.

Then I pull into work...

It's disturbing when the first thing you here is "Just go home, leave and run as fast as you can, do not enter that building if you value your sanity."

While I appreciate the warning, I brave my way in, and yes... regret not calling in sick from the parking lot. Welcome to "Hey, there are 20 calls in que..."

So I sit down, I eat my lunch and ignore the havock going on around me. Then promptly at 10pm, I clock in. It takes me and Teamlead about 30 minutes to figure out what is going on with all the calls and then put the announcement up. Yay for the death of the Que!

All the announcements are up for the night about maintenances, and we settle in for the long haul. Ten hours of joy!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Gaming #1: The Old Ladies Club

My RPG (role-playing game for those of you who are not into alternative entertainment) group reminds me of a knitting circle of old biddies. Normally we game on weekends because between some of us working nights, and the rest days, it's the only time we can really get together. That's the easy problem. Next is picking out the game.

((WARNING This post contains a TON of gaming references))

Me (Token Female Gamer and Bitch!): So, um, what are we playing this weekend?

Bob (I game for the philosphical process and because I like to pummel stuff imaginarily): Anything but the new D&D?

Timmy (I own every gaming book out there and like playing the weird!): Why? I have this great suppliment for Dragonstar, we can combine that with this Forgotten Realms book that I have everything for and my new Steampunk book.

Me: Don't you think that's a bit much?

Bob: I'm not playing D&D, okay?

Timmy: But I bought all these books, and it's not like you didn't have time to read them, they have been out for two months!

Bob: Let's play Mage!

Me and Timmy: GREAT!

Jason (I game because I have nothing else to do with my life and no control over it!): Alright, I guess you guys want me to run?

ALL: Yes!

Jason: Alright, but we are playing Mage, Revised Edition (which he knows no one is overly fond of).

Me: Do we have to?
Timmy: Can I use my 2nd Edition books that have not been reprinted yet! They have some really awesome artifacts and they aren't overpowered! (Trust me... they are overpowered).
Bob: I only play Mage 2nd Edition, not Mage Despised Edition.

Jason: Well I am only running Mage Revised because it's the newest edition.

All: Fine, we won't play mage.

Bob: We can play Noblis!

Me and Timmy: SWEET! Noblis Makes your toast glow!
Jason: Haven't read, don't want to, won't play it.

Me: Why haven't you read it, not like you have anything else to do!

Jason: I haven't, and I am not playing it.

ALL: Fine.

Me: Hey, I can run Exalted! We can do a Solar Game!

Bob: Alright! I want to make the Dawn! I AM THE CHAMPTION OF THE UNCONQUERED SUN! (He gets into that sometimes, kinda fun since he's normally so introverted).

Timmy: Alright! I can be from rare region Z and have this gear and be able to know these rare things.

Me: I Was thinking of something you know, less complicated than that? Like farmboys and cabinboys who find greatness.

Timmy: Well he can be a cabinboy, he'll just be a cabinboy to the Silver Prince! (You are going to be a character with the potential to be a God-King! DO you have to make him something freakish to start off with!)

Me: ............ fine.

Jason: I want to play a sidereal.

Me: It's a Solar game.

Jason: I hate solars, they are so boring, I want to play a sidereal. (Funny how you never hated them till the Sidereal book of how to be an "uber death machine" came out).

Me: Fine, but you have somehow managed to not get picked up by Heaven yet, you make your character from the Rogue Sidereal template.

Jason: But then I won't be as powerful. (... Role-play! Not "I have an inferiority Complex.")

Me: True, but you will be equal to everyone else.

Jason: Well then I am not playing because that's not fair, I want all the benefits of a Heaven Sidereal. (Twink.)

Me: Fine... no Exalted. (Screw this!)

*******many minues of silence*************

Me: Well?

Jason: I'll run Ars Magic!

Me: Alright. I'll play a Quasitor! (Yeah, I love them, I'm guilty of it!... REALLY guilty of it)

Bob: I'll play... an Ex Misc! (he's are normally pretty good.)

Timmy: I'll play this rare sect of House Bonisagus with Mythic Blood and a Minor Focus of This!

ALL: That sounds more like a major focus.

Timmy: It's a minor!

ALL: Fine... it's minor.

Joe (our ex-marine, quiet, thoughtful, friendly guy who scares the living heck out of us sometimes... he's not very fond of Ars): Do we have to play Ars?

Me: We can't seem to settle on anything else.

Joe: Alright. I'll make a Flambue (he makes some scary combat mages... but great stories!)

****After making characters forever******

Jason: Alright, we'll start tomorrow!

ALL: But we just finished characters!

Jason: I need time to map out a game.

ALL: Fine.


Me on the phone: So Jason, ready for the Ars Game?

Jason: I'm not really feeling it! (oh you have got to be kidding me!)

Me: But you said today...

Jason: Yeah, well I don't really feel the game, so I'm not going to run it. Lets play something else.

Me: Screw this, I'm playing WoW!

Somedays, I really want to be the one to take the fully loaded automatic to my gaming group! Screw this, I'm playing WOW now. VIVA LA ARS BELLUM!

This is Grey, signing out.

Award: I F'ed Up Big Time!

This guy gets a reward for negligence, but overall, I pity the guy. That and he gave me a good laugh this evening while I was doing our chat support. Basically, you get to deal with the same customers, you just do not have to hit the mute button to say all the things you really want to say to them.

Tonight's winner hopped on and said he had an email question... and it went a little like this (My inner thoughts in parenthesis):

Customer: How do you stop a mail from sending?

Me: After you have already sent it out sir? Or before you hit the button that says Send/Receive.

Customer: After I hit that button.

Me: Well sir, there's not really a way for us to do that here.

Customer: Shit! Are you sure?

Me: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, but we just can't stop that. (You screwed up didn't you?)

Customer: Your name sounds like a girl's name. Can I ask you a quick question? (Really? It is does? WOW!)

Me: Err, Yes sir. (I hate mandatory curtsey.)

Customer: Well, I sent my girlfriend a mail I didn't want her to get and what would be a good present to make it up? (You F'ed up, alright.)

Me: Sir, that's probably not something I could really answer for you. (But I am getting a giggle right now.)

Customer: Come on, I just need a quick answer.

Me: I guess it would depend on what you sent her. (Naughty pictures of you and your other girlfriend.)

Customer: A letter meant for another girlfriend. (Oh yeah. You are soooooo screwed.)

Me: A big present sir, a very big, very expensive present. (Like my own private cabaña boy... with cabaña.)

Customer: Damn. (Hitting on multiple people, EASY. Getting a little extra on the side, Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. Getting caught because you sent an email to your girlfriend meant for your other girlfriend, Priceless! )

Me: Sorry sir.
****End of Chat****

So... yeah. This one pretty much speaks for itself, and the moral is, have two different email accounts.

This is Grey, signing out.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Award: TMI, Why Honesty can be Bad!... and Mothra

Today has been one of those nightmare helldays that Internet techs tell horror stories about. It's the day when all the deadbeats and forgetful people seem to realize their Internet is not working (could it be the four hundred dollar overdue balance... no, not that!). It's a screamers and old people day.

Today's award winner hails from Wisconsin, and was a nice enough fellow, in truth. This gentleman's probably was solved in approximately two minutes by turning his modem and computer both off and back on (the magical computer remedy). It was then that he decided to share his joy in DSL, which is admittedly better than me having to listen to a screamer. Nothing quite stops a female tech dead in her thought process though than a customer going, "Yeah, the best thing about this stuff is I can stream so much porn that my junk is getting raw."

Congratulations Me, I have now entered the weirded out zone.

Yes, he said it.

"That's um.. nice to know sir."

"Yeap, this broadband is just amazin.' I even branched out to different types of porn, like that girl-on-girl stuff, and some of that group things."

How do you answer that, well after a few minutes of me making my o_O face, like this: "Well sir, I'm glad to know that you are enjoying your Internet service."

"Why yes ma'am I am, you have a good day okay? And watch some of that girlie stuff, it's pretty exciting."

You know, I realize most of our ameba-like consumers are downloading porn, but for the love of anything they consider holy, please let them not share it with me. The image of some redneck getting his happy from streaming porn (and probably bad porn at that) is just more than even this cynics mind can handle.

That required a large influx of sugar and caffeine (the habit I just can not kick).

As a parting shot, this is the announcement we want to put up when customers call in (props given to Caine), predictably, the supervisors won't let us: "Thank you for calling *****. Due to Mothra attacking Tokyo again, we have decided to divert all our bandwidth to contacting Godzilla for help. Thank you and have a nice day."

This is Grey, signing off, because Mothra is attacking the call center!

Co-Workers #1: The Insanity Plea

This is the story about a man named Bob...
Poor Technician barely kept himself fed...
Then one day he was bewailing customers...

Okay, I have not thought of the next line, but my friend "Bob" (we will call him that because he's paranoid about people possibly recognizing him) has completely lost his mind. Of course this means he is going to drag me right down along with on his spiral to insanity.

My qualifier for his impending insanity is taking "I'm a Little Teapot" and turning it into a lounge song, complete with song and dance number. Now, I am on the phone dealing with a customer who, for once is rightfully pissed (some moron in Customer Service managed to disconnect their account wrongfully), so you can imagine how quickly I hit my mute button so I do not laugh in the righteously angry ear of the customer.

Now all Bob needs is a pair of heels and a sequined dress and it's off to Vegas to live the glamorous life of a showgirl!

I am pretty certain that all this is Bob's attempt to establish insanity before he stalks through work with a fully loaded automatic. It's always the people who are normally introverted that you have to be careful of.

Watch out Bob, I know your sinister plan now buddy.

This is Grey, signing out.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Award: Life's Not Worth Living w/out My Internet

One of the downsides about doing technical support is that you realize over time that mankind is doomed. There's no way it's going to survive, we are destined to annihilate ourselves with our own computer equipment. That is another rant though, for another time.

People need to learn to prioritize their lives, the Internet is a great tool, good fun, but it's not the end and beginning of your secular existence. Truth be told, sometimes I am skeptical about the worth vs. drama involved in the whole affair, but I'm a technophile so I will grin and bear.

Today's winner of the "Life's Not Worth Living w/out my Internet" Award is a young lady in Missouri (names withheld for legal reasons of course). There are so many things wrong with this woman; I really do not know where to start.

I have the unfortunate joy of getting this phone call, though it starts relatively okay since I am speaking with husband-poo. He's a pretty laid back sort of fellow, good attitude, understands that when I become capable of magically fixing a problem a few hundred miles away that probably involves flipping a switch... I'll do it.

Enter the 'she-bitch.' Also known as a screamer. The whole time I am speaking with her husband, this woman is yelling so loudly in the background that even the dedicated (if somewhat whipped) husband is cringing and going "just calm down baby." I felt sorry for the guy, truth be told. He is trying to explain that one day offline is not going to kill her, and she's screaming and yelling some words that even I thought were impressive (I filed them away for the next time I decide to remind my brother why I'm the mean older sibling). It's at this point I have the urge to go "Look Lady, if you want your porn that badly, go down to the XXX store and bite the f'in bullet."

I don't sadly, mores the pity for it.

Ultimately it ended up in me passing the call off to the supervisor at the time, who basically lowered the call's volume and ignored her while she screamed herself hoarse and broke down crying like someone had clubbed her pet cat to death, all because she had to go one day without a connection. What's wrong? Internet lover boy waiting for you? Husband just not doing it for you?

If you are out there somewhere lady, take a dull knife and remember, it's down the road, not across the block. If you are going to do something right once in your life, do that right.

As for you husband-boy, grow a backbone man! Your wife is a crazed psychopath, go to the kitchen and get her a knife. Warm water works well too, I've heard.

Meanwhile, Jay is staring at me like I am a madwoman. Time to go.

This is Grey, signing out.